so tired

i'm worried that what i say to others doesn't matter because they might not understand or care. i don't think anybody cares. and time goes on without me when i'm not part of its passing. memories aren't what they used to be (naturally or not). they don't carry the significance for me. i think they used to. some still do. i'm very tired. i'm not stimulated. i'm docile and lonely.

another something that has been bothering me: when a relationship gets sexual, it becomes this private thing -- in most cases. i don't like it being the case most of the time. i'm still trying to grasp at how more than one good sexual relationship works for all parties. does one get more jealous than the other, possessive, what? and how can they function on a similar level. one must be more significant, i suppose, importance? i feel like i'm reaching a high state of self-awareness and awareness of what goes on around me. almost not a part of it anymore, just a video camera. i just want to know if there's a switch. i'm also concerned that people should be aware that  enlightenment is just bullshit. it just means i'm smarter and/or better informed than i was previously.

i feel heavy all of the time, even when i'm busy, unless i'm at my computer making music or carried away with video games  i'm getting carried along by time. i'm making my own decisions but it doesn't feel like it. i feel like i'm bullshitting when i'm talking about time. maybe i'm not doing it right. my little clock in front of me makes me feel sometimes. i'm only mentioning it because i don't think it should. i think i feel a lot of things some don't. i don't feel anything when someone falls in a restaurant kitchen and they're not wearing non slip shoes. i feel bad for letting certain people down.

i'm wondering if this should be read or deserves to be read.
significance, importance?