i'm worried that what i say to others doesn't matter because they might not understand or care. i don't think anybody cares. and time goes on without me when i'm not part of its passing. memories aren't what they used to be (naturally or not). they don't carry the significance for me. i think they used to. some still do. i'm very tired. i'm not stimulated. i'm docile and lonely.
another something that has been bothering me: when a relationship gets sexual, it becomes this private thing -- in most cases. i don't like it being the case most of the time. i'm still trying to grasp at how more than one good sexual relationship works for all parties. does one get more jealous than the other, possessive, what? and how can they function on a similar level. one must be more significant, i suppose, importance? i feel like i'm reaching a high state of self-awareness and awareness of what goes on around me. almost not a part of it anymore, just a video camera. i just want to know if there's a switch. i'm also concerned that people should be aware that enlightenment is just bullshit. it just means i'm smarter and/or better informed than i was previously.
i feel heavy all of the time, even when i'm busy, unless i'm at my computer making music or carried away with video games i'm getting carried along by time. i'm making my own decisions but it doesn't feel like it. i feel like i'm bullshitting when i'm talking about time. maybe i'm not doing it right. my little clock in front of me makes me feel sometimes. i'm only mentioning it because i don't think it should. i think i feel a lot of things some don't. i don't feel anything when someone falls in a restaurant kitchen and they're not wearing non slip shoes. i feel bad for letting certain people down.
i'm wondering if this should be read or deserves to be read.
significance, importance?
Tuesday, 6 September 2011
Thursday, 14 July 2011
Team Fortress 2
i suffered the monthly tax on joy
the entertainment i sought existed
i was to tarry longer
i could not cede nightly altercations
late into the night bereft of any cohorts
afflict and dishearten from deteriorating fulfillment
bantam known to me
i was to descry of a virgin merriment
inimitable it is and inveterate it stays
TEAM FORTRESS 2!!!!
Wednesday, 25 May 2011
look around you
i remember now!
people don't have the spark or value i used to see.
friends and new people mostly. i have a constant 'not impressed' feeling going on a lot. i liked that feeling of hanging out with people knowing i'm going to have a good time. the last i remember that was last summer. i live with my closest friends now and it seems we spend less time together than we used to. i guess if hang out sessions are planned they seem to be better than waking up and being like, hey wanna party? k.-- that's how it seems...
i don't worry about it, just think about it and it kind of pisses me off.
Monday, 14 February 2011
Valentine
thanks for the gifts. i liked the flowers, the chocolates and the stuffed animal. you may have went over the top this year with the necklace. i'm really looking forward to dinner tonight at t.g.i. american.
Friday, 11 February 2011
Friends
i have many friends, and to some of them i am their only friend. i live in a house with 3 other roommates now. 2 of which i am friends with. so to our friends that we're their only, we cherish them and shit. we realize these friends that don't have much else, have us. i think they've realized that we don't have any demands of them, we don't care what they're like. maybe outcasts from the norm come together to share.
we like them and grew up with them, i've even invited them to bring over their "dumbass friends".
this is mostly because if you're significantly more intelligent than the group of people you're with, then that intelligence is never recognized. well, it may be recognized as something else, like a crazy opinion.
i went through that for about a total of 2 months somewhere. it was horrible, i just had to sit there and take it and i felt like the idiot of the lot. a very undeserving punishment, i rarely talked down to them...
Openness
are there only certain times of the day and places where it's acceptable to sound desperate? maybe i'm too convenient. some would see it as disposable. if it's not rare, it's not valuable. the things i want sometimes become obsessions. they fade out after a while, like everything else but it feels great when i've got it. i'm happy and there's not much more that i want. the few things i do want are beautiful. there was this one that wanted me, couldn't have me, later had me and then didn't want anymore. and i worry about relationships with people. mostly for my gain. i like to learn people thoroughly. i find them out, implore my thoughts and let them leave or stay.
Tuesday, 15 June 2010
two weeks away
i'm getting closer to home. i'm anxious and am completely aware of what is laid down for me when i get home. i still have no legit job lined up. i have only enough money for two months on my own when i move out of my parents house again.
what i do have is much greater in comparison to what i don't yet have. i have a beautiful woman that is as much mine as i can have. i have friends that want to be with me when i go home. i have an interview set up with a dj company but i haven't heard back about a time confirmation.
now onto the inner me. i still cringe when i throw away plastic or aluminum instead of recycle even though i know it doesn't really matter. i haven't written poetry in months, and i've written a total of maybe 5-10 poems since january. i am not bothered by it.
my friend, sean and i want to start a band. he plays drums and guitar and knows his way around the keys. i don't have any typical band talents. i have an ear for many things, though, and i'm an ok dj. i can't imagine what we're going to sound like. sean and i are going for a kid a sound; distorted, electronic, dark (sometimes).
i'm planning on completing my time at tcc in the fall and spring then transferring to odu in the summer or fall. i say i'm majoring in journalism but i'm not exactly comfortable with it.
this may be an entry of complaints, but it makes me feel a little less jittery to type some of these things.
my life here has been extremely laid back even though i do wake up at 6:30 every morning. since january i've been staying up all night then sleeping from 9am till about 3pm. the nights are quiet and i prefer it to the day. i've met some friends my age, that i hang out with 1-3 times a week. i'll miss them when i leave here but not as much as my friends at home.
i don't feel like i've said anything important yet so i'll try harder to appeal to more than my sanity.
with this year in europe i've gotten more sick of the american lifestyle. mostly the big cars and fast food. all of the cars here are compact or midsized, in american terms. i've been keeping up with anti-capitalist news and movements and it makes me frown.
population control has been a recent and growing trouble within me. mr. smith's view on humans as a virus becomes more true for me everyday. whatever value religion has to me decreases in value every time fox news or glenn beck is mentioned.
i'm not sure how valuable this post is to anyone but i feel a little bit less sick after this.
what i do have is much greater in comparison to what i don't yet have. i have a beautiful woman that is as much mine as i can have. i have friends that want to be with me when i go home. i have an interview set up with a dj company but i haven't heard back about a time confirmation.
now onto the inner me. i still cringe when i throw away plastic or aluminum instead of recycle even though i know it doesn't really matter. i haven't written poetry in months, and i've written a total of maybe 5-10 poems since january. i am not bothered by it.
my friend, sean and i want to start a band. he plays drums and guitar and knows his way around the keys. i don't have any typical band talents. i have an ear for many things, though, and i'm an ok dj. i can't imagine what we're going to sound like. sean and i are going for a kid a sound; distorted, electronic, dark (sometimes).
i'm planning on completing my time at tcc in the fall and spring then transferring to odu in the summer or fall. i say i'm majoring in journalism but i'm not exactly comfortable with it.
this may be an entry of complaints, but it makes me feel a little less jittery to type some of these things.
my life here has been extremely laid back even though i do wake up at 6:30 every morning. since january i've been staying up all night then sleeping from 9am till about 3pm. the nights are quiet and i prefer it to the day. i've met some friends my age, that i hang out with 1-3 times a week. i'll miss them when i leave here but not as much as my friends at home.
i don't feel like i've said anything important yet so i'll try harder to appeal to more than my sanity.
with this year in europe i've gotten more sick of the american lifestyle. mostly the big cars and fast food. all of the cars here are compact or midsized, in american terms. i've been keeping up with anti-capitalist news and movements and it makes me frown.
population control has been a recent and growing trouble within me. mr. smith's view on humans as a virus becomes more true for me everyday. whatever value religion has to me decreases in value every time fox news or glenn beck is mentioned.
i'm not sure how valuable this post is to anyone but i feel a little bit less sick after this.
Monday, 15 March 2010
English Girls
the stereotype is that they all dress slutty.
for the most part it is true. (this is what i've seen of amersham and chesham.
there are a few that dress cute.
but i have a feeling for most, it's unintentional.
there are no hipsters or indie gals, in comparison to what i've seen in the U.S.
no intellectuals or politically headed, again, in comparison to what i've observed in the U.S.
i haven't traveled much of the U.K. but i've seen enough to make a fair judgment in my mind.
the girls all just want to party and have a good time.
obsessing over skinniness more than what i'm accustomed to.
to blame(?):
America's influence through reality shows
our movies and our television.
our fashion shows and magazines.
also, i've noticed a less of a stress on education.
primary, secondary and higher education.
there doesn't seem to be quite as many cliques among the english.
it appears to be one big smudge of slooty, smiling girls.
yeah i made the word up because i'm trying to be as least insulting as possible.
the guys there are a different story.
maybe when i have the energy and care enough to write, i will do so.
England i love you, but you're bringing me down.
Saturday, 13 February 2010
Thursday, 19 November 2009
John Pinion "God's merely an imaginary figure created by humans"--Treize Khushrenada
You and Larry Wines like this.
Thursday, 29 October 2009
For Your Health (1)
Swine flu arose as a normal, non-lethal flu in the spring or 1918, but somehow, over the following months -- no-one knows how or where -- it mutated into something more severe. Then in 1933, the 50s and again in the seventies a strain of the same flu known as the Russian H1N1 broke out - Bill Bryson. The current virus of 2009 is known as: Pandemic H1N1/09 virus. "This new strain appears to be a result of reassortment of human influenza and swine influenza viruses, in all four different strains of subtype H1N1." - Wikipedia
Tuesday, 13 October 2009
God
i couldn't get this straight on paper, only in my head, so i had a fellow philosopher help me out...
i had formed these words in my head, but never were they to reach paper successfully. after conversing and questioning my friend, Andy Wooten, it slowly got clearer and clearer in my mind. after a while of not being able to write anything that made sense Andy sent me what was in my head via the internet in typed format.
i did a very small bit of editing, but everything else is thanks to a great friend: Andy Wooten.
It's a pretty simplistic construct. whenever people try to make a logic argument about the existence of god, they define god as the maximally great being.
we can look at god, therefore, as containing all possibilities of existence, i.e. infinity. one commonly put out holds that physics tells us that the possibility for anything that can be conceptualized is equal with the possibility for any other specific thing that can be conceptualized and that both those possibilities therefore exist somewhere within the multiverse. therefore, if we can conceptualize a mgb (maximally great being), then one exists somewhere in the multiverse, and the very nature of an mgb tells us that it would have maximal power everywhere in the multiverse. the problem with this proof is whether or not we can conceptualize god. Returning to the definition, god is infinity, all possibilities, the alpha and omega, the unmoved mover, Yahweh, Allah, Brahma, whatever. Imagine this in a numerical sense - if we were to have one point that contained all numbers, from -infinity to +infinity, then that set is zero, for it contains the negation of the possibility as well as the possibility. in other words, if god contains all possibilities, is "maximally great," then it must contain the possibility of no god at all, thus it's own negation. it's clear how the system is self-contradictory and inherently negates its self - thus making god impossible to conceptualize unless you define it as limited in power - but if god is limited in power then why call it god? even using a very loose definition of what can and cannot be conceptualized that allows for paradoxes, all that a maximally great being would mean is that this being negates itself and brings the metaphorical count back to zero - the condition of there being no god, i.e. if god exists then in effect there is no god.
fin.
thank you Andy Wooten for putting this down for me, i would have never gotten everything straight
another note from Andy:
it's a flawed proof though - firstly, a finite mind cannot conceptualize or begin to understand the universe in totality, secondly, physics tells us that the natural laws only work in our universe, it is possible and probable that other universes within the multiverse have different laws or even no laws at all. to try and apply the construct of ... Read More logic to something as ever-expansive as the multiverse is just plain childish - our vaunted qualities of rationality and reason are simply slightly elevated animal instincts and will never be able to understand the multiverse or even our own planet with our limited capacities. just because a system is self-contradictory doesn't mean it cannot exist. i mean shit, logic is self-contradictory too. the only way logic works is if you make a base assumption - that logic equals truth. the real problem is that you're never going to "prove" or "disprove" god because it's a metaphysical being - it's beyond our existence, thus we're never going to know
Puddle driver
WATCH THE VIDEO THEN GO TO THE SECOND LINK BEFORE READING MY POST
Driver drenches kids at bus stop:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=On1drhgxGWU
Police investigate puddle driver:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi
amazing, but i don't think he should get fined because he was driving inside the lines, and he didn't have to go out of his way and swerve over or drive off the road to splash the kids. public works should be responsible for making proper street draining infrastructure so drivers don't have to swerve out of the way of a puddle. especially in a rainy place like En gland. i see it like so: public works/the city doesn't make a proper street draining gutter system--so the local government feels it necessary to perfect the imperfections of their infrastructure by giving fines to who does not adapt to the flaws of their own roads. i.e. you're not allowed to cross solid painted lines on the road, but you're supposed to avoid puddles to prevent splashing and hydro-planing, this almost always means crossing solid lines at some point if it's raining and the roads are shitty. it's not a loophole but a flaw. and that is that when there are puddles within solid lines of the road, one must drive through it to follow the law. this Briton should not get any penalty of any sort. as soon as public works and the city/local government gets their shit straight, then they can fine whomever they please as long as they are breaking the law. the driver broke no law as long as he wasn't speeding and was staying within the confines of his road. true it's safe to slow down for puddles, but I'm saying that tax paying citizens should not have to, because puddles should not accumulate on city streets. sure it was a bit rude to shower the bus stop kids in street water, but no other lines were crossed here, as in laws. I've never heard of anyone being fined for inconsiderate driving; he may be the first.
Monday, 5 October 2009
My Stay In England
Amersham is one of the wealthiest, if not the wealthiest place in the U.K. It seems a lot harder to get rid of someone around here, especially one's peers. Everyone seems to live very close to each other, but there are fewer people. Things are more spread out here. There are fields, forests and hedgerows everywhere. Though everything is more spread out than in the states, everyone seems to know each other better.
The rumors are true about the tea here; everybody who’s anybody drinks it, and it’s pretty good stuff. There wasn’t a single day that went by that I didn’t have somebody ask if I wanted a cup of tea. The most prominent local culture is a tea drinking, job working, and Hollywood obsessed people. The music tastes among the people I got to meet all had too many artists in common to call the population “musically diverse”. Top forty pop music seems to be in the heads of everyone aged 6 to 35. Eminem is also oddly popular among my peers.
I have really gotten a good feel for what it is like to live here in England, in Amersham where most of my younger childhood was spent.
Everybody is so close to each other it is hard to get away. So, naturally, one is forced to deal with not being able to get away. I’d say one becomes more acquainted. I have often found myself cruising along the small, windy, dark roads in the passenger seat of a newly met friend’s car always listening to FM radio that only plays current top of the chart pop music, unless you prefer classical.
I used to hate listening to the pop music. Now it’s not so bad. I’ve realized that it’s just music to pass the time and sometimes entertain, but rarely fill any deep holes within your mind. Usually the tune has a steady beat with simple words that don’t matter or can’t be easily understood. Either way it’s unimportant. I’ve gotten used to it because the pop music leaves me alone. I feel no emotions from it. It’s just hyper-produced emptiness to me. It leaves me empty and doesn’t get in my way.
Everyone I met just wanted to be friends. I never got the bitterness and the “leave me alone, I’m breathing” attitude like I do in the states.
Only the Sith Deal in Absolutes.
had to post this because i put a lot of effort into it just to be a comment, i thought it worthy of note status.
and sorry if it pisses you off that i've tagged you, sct, but you are in this note, just so you know. ; )
Only the Sith Deal in Absolutes. ------------good and bad (morals and ethics as well) comes from man and it's creation of religion. believing in absolutes is ok, but admitting to absolutes is not ok? i suppose killing is bad. but that would be an absolute if i thought it was completely bad. there is no scientific room for God, but he could be science itself. sure. but i don't believe in him existing. i'd be astounded if there were such a higher power than protons neutrons electrons and quarks. i guess i leave a little room for the possibility of the existence of higher powers, but i doubt it being true. so i believe in not believing, but i'm not absolute about anything. so you can ask me my religion and i'll say atheist, but more accurately nihilist, but im not 100% about anything. how can anyone be? it's ignorance in it's simplest. there are always unknowns (i think). the question one should ask when inquiring about religion should be, "what is your religion" and "how sure are you out of 100%". i think then you can truly tell some that they're complete buffoons. i mean how is anyone supposed to know if someone is 67% Buddhist unless they ask or just come up with it right after you ask about religion. im not so quick to call someone 'bad' if i ask about religion, atheism and Christianity are absolutes, but the people don't have to buy all the way into it. this is obvious. you can't really pick and choose which part of a religion you like and don't like though. i don't want to go around telling people "oh, well im partial to Nihilism, but Buddhism strikes my fancy on Thursdays when im feeling unproductive and wearing dresses. usually around Sunday afternoon i think about taking up Agnosticism again but it's really been pissing me off so Shintoism is my cup of tea on Monday. the rest of the time i'm just partial to Nihilism".......ok so we all cant wear signs on our heads saying "JEW", "88% absolute". so we pick one and get on with our lives. some of us, though, say we're all silly to pick one and go about our day willy nilly. a title or religion or label to give someone who's not absolute on anything i would say have to be agnostic or non-committal; we can always find a label, even for nothing. Scott, to put you under a label i pick relativist. To be a relativist, one must believe that (a) There is no truth, (b) Nothing is knowable, and (c) Nothing is meaningful. im sure you already know this but do you see why i put you under this label?
here's the link to the full convo if you have facebook: http://www.facebook.com/no
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God is anything but imaginary.
Neal: No.
Charlie: Just because you haven't seen it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
The Santa Clause... Read More
(Insert touch where all seens are)
The great thing about God is that...He is more than just something in the head and cannot be seen. The God I believe in and know is very present in life, and more directly in my own. He has shown me very clearly things that no other person would know about other people, and ... Read Moreinsights in situations. I have felt his unimaginable peace when faced with death, financial despair, and family hardships. I have seen unexplained and impossible healings that only God can do, and as He leads and directs me in my life and helped me to find my way when I was lost and confused in what to do as vocation, he helped me see my purpose...and I am now living a life where I feel more fulfilled than I ever have in anything I tried myself just to try. He is more than in my head...he is by my side, in my heart, and guiding me, giving me strength and boldness to do things I never dreamed I could ever do. My relationship with Jesus is personal and very real.
If you don't believe in God, that is your own choice, but God does not need your permission to exist and be present on this earth. Even more importantly, even if you reject him and want nothing to do with him, even then he still loves you and in fact grieves over your separated relationship. He has made a way through Jesus for anyone who wants to have a personal relationship with him can and will be given his peace, guidance, and more than we ever asked for (maybe not in material possession, but things like self-control, joy, and what we need). But those who don't will be faced with the day that he does physically show himself to them, and they will forever be separated from him, loved ones, and anything good and right. They will live in eternal abandonment with no relationships with people or other beings, loneliness, and unimaginable pain and suffering, with no hope of escape, rescue, or relief. That is the destiny of all of us, but even at our worst Jesus took that sentence for us by dieing and coming back to life, giving all of us who believe and follow him a chance to not only not go to that Hell, but to enjoy everything that is good, pleasurable, and right, and gain a perfect relationship we have never experienced before through God.
we can look at god, therefore, as containing all possibilities of existence, i.e. infinity. one commonly put out holds that physics tells us that the possibility for anything that can be conceptualized is equal with the possibility for any other specific thing that can be conceptualized and that both those possibilities therefore exist somewhere within the multiverse. therefore, if we can conceptualize a mgb (maximally great being), then one exists somewhere in the multiverse, and the very nature of an mgb tells us that it would have maximal power everywhere in the multiverse. the problem with this proof is whether or not we can conceptualize god. Returning to the definition, god is infinity, all possibilities, the alpha and omega, the unmoved mover, Yahweh, Allah, Brahma, whatever. Imagine this in a numerical sense - if we were to have one point that contained all numbers, from -infinity to +infinity, then that set is zero, for it contains the negation of the possibility as well as the possibility. in other words, if god contains all possibilities, is "maximally great," then it must contain the possibility of no god at all, thus it's own negation. it's clear how the system is self-contradictory and inherently negates its self - thus making god impossible to conceptualize unless you define it as limited in power - but if god is limited in power then why call it god? even using a very loose definition of what can and cannot be conceptualized that allows for paradoxes, all that a maximally great being would mean is that this being negates itself and brings the metaphorical count back to zero - the condition of there being no god, i.e. if god exists then in effect there is no god.
fin.
it's a flawed proof though - firstly, a finite mind cannot conceptualize or begin to understand the universe in totality, secondly, physics tells us that the natural laws only work in our universe, it is possible and probable that other universes within the multiverse have different laws or even no laws at all. to try and apply the construct of ... Read More logic to something as ever-expansive as the multiverse is just plain childish - our vaunted qualities of rationality and reason are simply slightly elevated animal instincts and will never be able to understand the multiverse or even our own planet with our limited capacities. just because a system is self-contradictory doesn't mean it cannot exist. i mean shit, logic is self-contradictory too. the only way logic works is if you make a base assumption - that logic equals truth. the real problem is that you're never going to "prove" or "disprove" god because it's a metaphysical being - it's beyond our existence, thus we're never going to know ... Read More
What is love? It is nothing we can see, but we feel deeply in our beings and experience. We know it exists through our relationships with others, through marriage, friendships, and the love of parents to their children that is so great they would give their lives to save their child's.
We can't see it, or touch it...but we know it exists. We can't scientifically prove it, or gauge it by universal laws, and still it's there. There is no rationale behind it, and it doesn't always make sense. But there it is. ... Read More
I am not here to give you scientific proof that God exists or argue over what he is and the laws of the universe. I will admit I don't know all the scientific systems in how the universe moves, but just as I cannot prove love, I know God exists. Love is a thing that requires us to become vulnerable to others and be selfless. In this world that is something ridiculous...to relinquish a prize, notoriety, and your own self benefit and risk great pain on many levels, and even physical harm all for love. Love exists because God exists. He embodies perfect love, and we are able to love each other because God loved us first. God doesn't always makes sense...and often doesn't, he is something you feel in your heart, and something you experience. He cannot be proved through scientific measure, but just as love still exists in spite of that...so does God.
As I said before it's your decision to not believe in God and I am not out to argue you to do so. But you are trying to explain something you have never experienced for yourself and don't understand (not saying I fully understand God, because I don't). But the ways he has shown himself to me, the things I have been through in my life, impossible things happening, the change in myself from an angry bitter person to a woman full of peace and love for people that are unlovable...that's all the proof I need. Mind you I was not a bad person. I was a "goody two shoes", but God helped me see things I held inside I didn't know existed, and has healed very deep pains in my heart.
For you God is in the imagination that can not be explained rationally. For me he is the embodiment of mercy and love that cannot be rationally explained. I feel him in my whole being, and experience his existence everyday. For you to acknowledge God is absurd. To me, not to acknowledge him is impossible. I can no more say "there is no god" than I could tell my dad that I hate him and never want to see him again. (Which I love my dad with all my heart and could never say that).
This is my thought...if you refuse to believe and need scientific proof...fine. It saddens me, but you can decide to not believe in God if you don't want to. It's a free country and I am not going to berate you into believing. That is ridiculous. But in the same manner...I am free to choose to believe in God. Don't make fun of us and say things about us. You can talk about why you don't believe, but to say we are "childish" for what we believe is not necessary. I guess my question is what does it matter to you if people believe anyway. At the end of the day life is over and there is nothing left for you, but I believe there is something greater beyond this life, so what is wrong in believing in that? I'm not criticizing you or anything, but just trying to give some things to think about.
p.s. I do enjoy these types of conversations, so as I write these things I'm not doing it in anger or defense or anything. I just want you to know that.
And man is Christian condescension hilarious. I love this nonsense.