so tired

i'm worried that what i say to others doesn't matter because they might not understand or care. i don't think anybody cares. and time goes on without me when i'm not part of its passing. memories aren't what they used to be (naturally or not). they don't carry the significance for me. i think they used to. some still do. i'm very tired. i'm not stimulated. i'm docile and lonely.

another something that has been bothering me: when a relationship gets sexual, it becomes this private thing -- in most cases. i don't like it being the case most of the time. i'm still trying to grasp at how more than one good sexual relationship works for all parties. does one get more jealous than the other, possessive, what? and how can they function on a similar level. one must be more significant, i suppose, importance? i feel like i'm reaching a high state of self-awareness and awareness of what goes on around me. almost not a part of it anymore, just a video camera. i just want to know if there's a switch. i'm also concerned that people should be aware that  enlightenment is just bullshit. it just means i'm smarter and/or better informed than i was previously.

i feel heavy all of the time, even when i'm busy, unless i'm at my computer making music or carried away with video games  i'm getting carried along by time. i'm making my own decisions but it doesn't feel like it. i feel like i'm bullshitting when i'm talking about time. maybe i'm not doing it right. my little clock in front of me makes me feel sometimes. i'm only mentioning it because i don't think it should. i think i feel a lot of things some don't. i don't feel anything when someone falls in a restaurant kitchen and they're not wearing non slip shoes. i feel bad for letting certain people down.

i'm wondering if this should be read or deserves to be read.
significance, importance?

Team Fortress 2

i suffered the monthly tax on joy

the entertainment i sought existed

i was to tarry longer

i could not cede nightly altercations

late into the night bereft of any cohorts

afflict and dishearten from deteriorating fulfillment

bantam known to me

i was to descry of a virgin merriment

inimitable it is and inveterate it stays

TEAM FORTRESS 2!!!!

look around you

i remember now!

people don't have the spark or value i used to see.

friends and new people mostly. i have a constant 'not impressed' feeling going on a lot. i liked that feeling of hanging out with people knowing i'm going to have a good time. the last i remember that was last summer. i live with my closest friends now and it seems we spend less time together than we used to. i guess if hang out sessions are planned they seem to be better than waking up and being like, hey wanna party? k.-- that's how it seems...

i don't worry about it, just think about it and it kind of pisses me off.

Valentine

thanks for the gifts. i liked the flowers, the chocolates and the stuffed animal. you may have went over the top this year with the necklace. i'm really looking forward to dinner tonight at t.g.i. american.

Friends

i have many friends, and to some of them i am their only friend. i live in a house with 3 other roommates now. 2 of which i am friends with. so to our friends that we're their only, we cherish them and shit. we realize these friends that don't have much else, have us. i think they've realized that we don't have any demands of them, we don't care what they're like. maybe outcasts from the norm come together to share.

we like them and grew up with them, i've even invited them to bring over their "dumbass friends".

this is mostly because if you're significantly more intelligent than the group of people you're with, then that intelligence is never recognized. well, it may be recognized as something else, like a crazy opinion.

i went through that for about a total of 2 months somewhere. it was horrible, i just had to sit there and take it and i felt like the idiot of the lot. a very undeserving punishment, i rarely talked down to them...

Openness

are there only certain times of the day and places where it's acceptable to sound desperate? maybe i'm too convenient. some would see it as disposable. if it's not rare, it's not valuable. the things i want sometimes become obsessions. they fade out after a while, like everything else but it feels great when i've got it. i'm happy and there's not much more that i want. the few things i do want are beautiful. there was this one that wanted me, couldn't have me, later had me and then didn't want anymore. and i worry about relationships with people. mostly for my gain. i like to learn people thoroughly. i find them out, implore my thoughts and let them leave or stay.

two weeks away

i'm getting closer to home. i'm anxious and am completely aware of what is laid down for me when i get home. i still have no legit job lined up. i have only enough money for two months on my own when i move out of my parents house again.
what i do have is much greater in comparison to what i don't yet have. i have a beautiful woman that is as much mine as i can have. i have friends that want to be with me when i go home. i have an interview set up with a dj company but i haven't heard back about a time confirmation.

now onto the inner me. i still cringe when i throw away plastic or aluminum instead of recycle even though i know it doesn't really matter. i haven't written poetry in months, and i've written a total of maybe 5-10 poems since january. i am not bothered by it.

my friend, sean and i want to start a band. he plays drums and guitar and knows his way around the keys. i don't have any typical band talents. i have an ear for many things, though, and i'm an ok dj. i can't imagine what we're going to sound like. sean and i are going for a kid a sound; distorted, electronic, dark (sometimes).

i'm planning on completing my time at tcc in the fall and spring then transferring to odu in the summer or fall. i say i'm majoring in journalism but i'm not exactly comfortable with it.

this may be an entry of complaints, but it makes me feel a little less jittery to type some of these things.

my life here has been extremely laid back even though i do wake up at 6:30 every morning. since january i've been staying up all night then sleeping from 9am till about 3pm. the nights are quiet and i prefer it to the day. i've met some friends my age, that i hang out with 1-3 times a week. i'll miss them when i leave here but not as much as my friends at home.

i don't feel like i've said anything important yet so i'll try harder to appeal to more than my sanity.

with this year in europe i've gotten more sick of the american lifestyle. mostly the big cars and fast food. all of the cars here are compact or midsized, in american terms. i've been keeping up with anti-capitalist news and movements and it makes me frown.

population control has been a recent and growing trouble within me. mr. smith's view on humans as a virus becomes more true for me everyday. whatever value religion has to me decreases in value every time fox news or glenn beck is mentioned.

i'm not sure how valuable this post is to anyone but i feel a little bit less sick after this.